(listening to “All I Have” by J.Lo & LL Cool J) for the past few days, I was able to unwind & loosen up the grip on my busy schedule.. imagine having to wake up at around 4:30-5am everyday  so that before 6am, I’m already on the road & off to school.. after class at around 12noon, I would rush off to POEA where I’m having a part time job at my Uncle’s office.. and then at around 6pm, I would have to go to Greenhills to attend to lectures & seminars for a new business opportunity.. I would reach home at around 10:30-11pm, where I would just eat a little (sometimes, not at all), do some hygienic routines, study some lessons & then off to bed.. whew!! It was really tiring but somehow, I can still manage.. it was really difficult to keep myself busy in order for me to forget the bitter reality that encompass my life right now.. I had to enjoy my life or else I would just be sulking over the wasted time..

anyways, as I was saying, I did had time to slacken off my hectic schedule.. last May 6,7 & 8, our stake (at church) held a Youth Conference & it really was of good help to me.. I missed the 1^st day (some of my church friends texted me & asked me why I didn’t attend) but I didn’t feel sorry for myself.. I had a good time watching movies with my group mates in EnviSci 1 (thanks to Dr. Myint & Dean Azanza for the term paper project..he3..).. I had lots of bonding time with Joy (a BA Psych freshie) & the rest of the group (Blossom, Razel, Eileen & James).. we were in the process of making our term paper with the topic: Environmental Awareness in the Art of Film Making.. we decided to watch films aimed to promote Environmental Awareness among the viewers… we stayed in Eileen’s place (a very cozy one) at Acropolis.. we watched “Bug’s Life” & “Finding Nemo” & I found myself amused by the mere fact that I heard myself laughing again.. it was good.. it was really good.. I haven’t had a good laugh for quite some time now & I’m so glad I did.. although I watched those films before, I did had fun.. while watching, we ate a hearty meal, a factor that I think added to my pleasure.. we ordered pizzas from Pizza Hut (yumyum…my favorite) and Baked Mac.. (yumyum..my mouth’s watering now..he3..lolz).. I came home late that night (May 6, Thurs.) but it was worth it..

I woke up early the following day but I wasn’t able to attend my 7am class because I wasn’t feeling well.. I guess I was over fatigued by last night’s & the previous nights’ activities.. aside from that,  I helped my mom prepare her lessons for the Youth Con cuz she was busy handling her catering business.. I was 30 mins. late for my 10am class and lucky for me, Dr. Myint dismissed the class early to give way for the class to do the term paper due on the 17^th.. my group mates & I decided to eat lunch together & I really appreciated that decision cuz for 2 consecutive days, I was able to eat lunch with someone.. & this time, it isn’t just one but 3 smart, sophisticated & will-powered girls.. we ate at World Topps in Katipunan & the food was worth waiting.. we enjoyed each other’s company (I guess, that’s what I can see & feel..he3..).. I was so excited to go home that afternoon cuz I was I promised my mom that I would attend the Youth Con & help with the catering and other stuff.. one more thing, tonight’s the “Standard’s Night” .. a dinner-dance kinda similar to that of JS Proms.. but different in a way that standards of the church are applied.. It was a night of my life that I really enjoyed.. although it brought some memories back, I just couldn’t help feeling happy.. being able to dance with some girl & guy friends made me stop & think about how lucky I am to be able to live.. to live and enjoy life in spite of my downfalls & miseries.. life isn’t that bad after all..

Gotcha!! Life has got me hooked!! I may have lost one special person but there’s still tons of more special & better ones left!! It’s just a matter of locating them & appreciating them for being a part of my life.. to all my friends out there (you know who you are..), thanks ha!! You think you got me ha?! Well, you all did.. just kip on rockin’ guys!! hahaha..=)

I’m sittin’ all alone in front of my PC (listening to some songs..One More Try buy A1) and all I can do was think & wonder why some things had to go the way I least expect it to be.. it was exactly 20 days ago when things started to be different.. it was difficult.. but I realized that I had to move on.. there’s still life ahead of me.. I tried to be as busy as possible so that I won’t have to entertain thoughts like that.. it was difficult.. battling with myself.. my feelings.. my emotions.. my thoughts.. I tried to appear & act normal.. (twas as if nothing happened at all).. but I couldn’t.. I just can’t.. I never thought I would ever find myself in this kind situation… but hey, I did.. (look at where I am right now?!)..

the tears?! Tears that I have been trying to hold back for the past few days can no longer tarry in my eyes… they had to go.. they had to fall.. & they did… I couldn’t help it.. try as I may not to reminisce and think of the good old days, the more they keep on haunting me..  I tried to look for the happiness I lost but to no avail.. there’s just nothing compared to that.. but what can I do?! Cry over the spilled milk & try to put it back my glass?! No, no, no.. I wouldn’t do that.. that’s the most ridiculous thing I could have done.. but then again, the question comes again, now what?! [remember Finding Nemo?!..he3..] I don’t know.. I still see hope in my life.. I just couldn’t stop now.. now that I have already seen the light in the far end, I just can’t stop.. I know I can make it through one more day.. but how?! I just don’t know..

I had to admit.. I miss him.. I miss him a lot.. I miss him more than I ever thought I could.. but missing him makes me more miserable.. my doubts, my insecurities, my fears, my frustrations settles in more quickly than I had imagined… twas as if I’m bound by my own weaknesses… he was my strength.. my inspiration.. my joy.. but he was gone.. he was gone & lost forever.. he would never come back.. he never will.. & here I am.. feeling sorry for myself.. asking “why”, “what have I done” & telling myself “if only”..

Some of my friends said I look ok.. I look alright.. I look strong.. they just don’t know.. they just can’t see that behind all of those smiles & laughter, a defeated soul lies.. a soul weakened by heartaches & discouraged by misery… I was camouflaging myself in front of them so that they won’t notice how vulnerable I am.. but if they can only see right through me, they would see how I’m deeply hurt.. how tormented I was..  I never asked for this feeling.. I never thought I would even fall but I did!! I can’t blame anyone.. as much as I want to hold someone responsible for this.. I just couldn’t.. I wish I could but I couldn’t..

But, in spite of all the bitter facts in my life, I’m not yet losing hope.. I know that there’s Someone up there who would never stop loving me no matter how many mistakes I make.. no matter how bad I’ve been.. no matter how miserable I made my life, He is still there as long as I do what He wants me to do.. I’m thankful I got Him in my life.. I’m glad He sent someone like him (“_ _ _”) to help me learn the sad realities of life (that I thought never existed).. I fell, I stumbled, but I’m not gonna stay in that state for the rest of my life.. I can stand up & rise once again.. I can & I will..